i got issues with my mother. i dunno how we used to get along and now, i just get irritated even when i only hear her voice.

Im rebellious. at a late age. i swore in my heart many times, when i hear her voice. when she's 'teaching my brother the correct values'. i dunno man, i have nothing against that it's just, i get very irritated. i think this feeling of irritation was developed a long way back.

It all begins when i was in secondary school. When every kid goes out to hang out with friends, i had to stay at home to look after my younger brother. and i hated it, but i kept it in my heart, but i really hated to have that kinda of responsibility on me. I could be on the way to orchard with my friends and just as i stepped out of the train station, i'd get a call from her, she has to go to work and i have to go home at that instance. Slowly, after this has happened many times, i resent being the older sister. I feel like im trapped. being tied to the house. a few years later on, i got more freedom, but she would call to check on me every now and then, she still does that. but i have already developed a sense of hatred whenever i see the caller id flash ' Mummy- Incoming'.

When im in my room using the comp, watching videos, playing games, BLOGGING.. she would just enter my room like nobody's business and stand next to me, look at me, look at the comp, for about 30 seconds den say "playing the comp again.." den go out.. it always happens.. it can happen like a few times a night.. i know probably she's looking for someone to chat with, but here's what happens when i talk to her..

XY: (talks to mum about random things a mother and a daughter would talk about)
half the time - Mummy: (no answer.. she's like looking at the tv, not watching the tv and her mind is somewhere else)
the other half of the time- Mummy: (10 secs later).. Eh sorry i wasn't listening, i was thinking of stuff..

How do i communicate with her?!!! IM PISSED OFF. I START HATING HER. im so super upset and i feel that she doesn't love me anymore, especially ever since i keep hanging with CY. And whenever im on the phone with Cy, i always keep my door closed but not locked, 1 out of 3 times she will just enter as and when she likes and interrupt our conversation! sometimes when im having a bad day i'll just start breaking down after she leaves the room. i hate it, i hate to get interrupted for nothing!! i dunno, maybe she wants to have a bit of love that i have for CY, maybe she wants to check on me to see whether im being bullied by him, but i want my privacy! im fucking 22 this year and there are things i dun want my mother to know!

like there was one instance i was having a very bad mood swing day, i just started crying over the phone (i cry very silently btw, even when i sniff my nose i do it quietly) to let out my emotions and THEN SHE ENTERED MY ROOM AND GAVE THE 'WTF HAS CY DONE TO MY DAUGHTER!!' LOOK. this was one thing i surely didn't want to let her know because she'll let her imagination run wild. i had to chase her out of my room.

i know mothers are very protective, but that doesn't equate to being not supportive and discouraging. she's protective, and always splashes cold water on me. my parents dun have a good marriage and so she always tells me to be wary of CY, that he'll change once he's out in the working society and such, and it breaks my heart to hear all those things! C'mon! Im your daughter! Be happy for me! Dun curse me! Support me! Dun say things that will make me doubt my relationship! she thought we broke up when CY hasn't been to my house for some time, she thought we broke up when i cried on the phone while talking to him, she just keeps thinking that we won't last. so how many fucking times u want your daughter to have break ups? i want her support, i want her encouragement, her concern her love and not her doubt! I used to ask for her opinions on things i can't decide on but she just keeps splashing me cold water, so now i really can't find anything to talk to her about already. i dun want to get bombed again and again.

There are still many other issues i have with her but i would not like to disclose it on my blog. what can i say? she's my mother. just like Rapunzel's 'mother' would always sing, 'Mother~~~... Knows Best!'.

I've been keeping my true feelings inside for very long. Im 21 now, should finally let it out somewhere.

Few years ago, something happened, and what i feared the most has become the situation now.

I can't help but feel very disappointed and upset. I knew, something like that was going to happen. You take relationships too seriously, and look where we are now. Everytime i think of you, i think of us when we were in secondary school. I could talk to you, and you would talk to me, we had some fun together and i was still your friend. Then we decided to try to move a step further, but it didn't work out. I dun even know why it didn't work out. There wasn't even a try. It just ended abruptly and i nv asked why. I know you wouldn't tell me the truth about how you feel so i could only try to guess and figure out what's wrong.

But i got over it quickly. I took a step back to where we were as friends. I care for you genuinely, as a friend and i still wished we could still be as happy as we were as friends. But you're still there, still walking in circles in the already long gone relationship. You can't treat me like a friend anymore. I waited. I observed. I hoped. I want us to be friends like normal again. But it's been so long, whatever bonds we had is all into the rubbish bin, transported to the incineration plant and burnt into ashes.

Whatever hopes i had, whatever friendship that i cherish is all nothing but one-sided. All i get is "i feel guilty towards her". Fuck lah nbcb. Why all the guys like to feel guilty towards me? Okay lah, so guilty then give me half of your salary every month from now till you get married lah! as compensation! zzz.. Or go and have another girlfriend who treats you like trash and treat that as retribution. ZZZZZZ!!!! that's exactly what my first bf told me when he and his last gf were together.

But you know what? I dun give a damn. I dun care whether your gf is good or not. You need to change your attitude towards a relationship. And towards me. This is really not what i want at all. Zero. Kosong. Ling dan. I'll tell you what i want.

I truly care for you, as one of my besties. Not only just me, we all care for you. And we really really really wish that we can share your troubles and comfort you when you're down. OPENLY. not trying to guess here guess there behind your back abt what the eff happened to you. I know you dun want to burden us with your problems, but look at us? dun u know us well? what are friends for?

Joanne keep telling me, " You should go talk to him!... You should go and tell him this!!" but you're not telling me anything. So here i am, typing meaninglessly ranting meaninglessly, pretending i dunno anything in front of you. Joanne didn't tell me anything, i guessed whatever i know by myself. So there are still many things that i have no clue about, and i hope that one day we all can know abt what's going on from you.

I know, you dun wan to say. Dun say lor. Keep everything to yourself. You'll find yourself with less and less people to talk to and more and more miserable after that. But that's your choice right? As your friends, we should just be there for you and give you support silently right? I understand. But are we still your friends? Ya, very useless ones.

It drowned. just drowned.

i keep wondering what im doing, i have many doubts, and i feel unhappy. unwanted. unloved. uncared for. taken for granted, not appreciated.

i know, i always have this problem, i always do the same thing and in the end? nothing good comes out from it. did i do anything wrong? it's not wrong, i know it's not wrong. but heaven makes it seem to be wrong. im having the same miserable feelings again. i never thought that i would have those feelings again but i was wrong.

im so tired. so freaking tired. and im so mad. pissed. i dun wan to experience the same pain twice. fuck it. im doing all i can to make this work, but i can clearly see it going down. im damn tired, so weak and vulnerable i swore the thought of giving up flashed through my mind.

im not a quitter, and i hate myself for being weak. and stupid and foolish and naive. i dunno what else to say. there's just too many things going through in my mind right now. maybe i just need to cool down.

I need to destress.

I've cried everytime i talked about it. I think those tears aren't gonna stop rolling down my cheek until someone throws me a life jacket and pulls me out from the BOTTOMLESS PIT and until i see kharma strike back right at them!!

Assholes. I've missed my period because of the never ending stress i get from them. Knn. Zombies must have ate their brains.

I have a lot of wants this year.. and in this world, everything needs money.. Gotta list them down and work hard to achieve them!

My craved wants:
1. Motorola Milestone~ gosh i just like it soooo much im getting it by this weekend i dun care!
2. Lose a lot a lot of fats/weight - 2 months. June. More exact, it's 8th June.
3. Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~. Price drop by half pls? lolol.
4. A bicycle - not so urgent yet. maybe after June.
5. I want to curl my hair!! must wait til its long long.
6. A flat screen HDtv. mmm. :) (can live without it, it can wait.)
7. Save up money for the future. Gonna join OCBC, DBS queue too long. Start from this month.
8. Get ABRSM Grade 8 theory. RAWR! okay gotta revise really soon if i really want to get Grade 8.
9. MacBook? I still want to become a songwriter. I seriously wonder when?


I still haven buy my bag! :( and i need knee length trousers also.
A lot to work for, i need more money! And i'll be jobless in June, so if anyone has any lobangs please tell me okay? :)

Oh and how can i forget? I want to go on a holiday!

10. Renew the darn expired-4-years-ago passport. (ya 4 years nv go overseas already. sad right.)

Independence coming to 100%.

Can't stop doubting.
Can't stop losing faith.
Can't stop thinking.
Can't stop crying.

Just can't stop feeling miserable.
Can't lose.


Don't doubt.
Don't panic.
Don't lose faith.
Don't be afraid.
Don't cry.

Just let him hug you and believe him when he says he really loves you. He has his own past which you can't erase. You have your own past which he can't erase. The past is past.

Have some confidence and don't think too much.

Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much.

You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only.

Come on. You can do better.

me being anti-social, my birthday celebration was only with my best buds. -exceptforstanleyng(*#&@%&!^*(#$&(*&@-

Everything just didn't seem to go my way when i planned for a bigger celebration.. On the day of celebration, the sky had to rain and dampen my spirits.

All in all it was still a good day, i had lots of fun in wild wild wet, but i so regret something that i did, that was to extend my invitation to someone. Someone i wished i'd never ask along. What in the world was i thinking?


My parents didn't celebrate with me. No birthday outing, no birthday song. Not even a cake. They didn't forget my birthday but we didn't celebrate at all. You know how much i want to cry but no tears will come out? Funny thing is, it was my bf's mother and sister who sang me a birthday song and cut a cake with me.


Apart from the lovely friends who celebrated with me, 21 this year, really sucked.

i got issues with my mother. i dunno how we used to get along and now, i just get irritated even when i only hear her voice.

Im rebellious. at a late age. i swore in my heart many times, when i hear her voice. when she's 'teaching my brother the correct values'. i dunno man, i have nothing against that it's just, i get very irritated. i think this feeling of irritation was developed a long way back.

It all begins when i was in secondary school. When every kid goes out to hang out with friends, i had to stay at home to look after my younger brother. and i hated it, but i kept it in my heart, but i really hated to have that kinda of responsibility on me. I could be on the way to orchard with my friends and just as i stepped out of the train station, i'd get a call from her, she has to go to work and i have to go home at that instance. Slowly, after this has happened many times, i resent being the older sister. I feel like im trapped. being tied to the house. a few years later on, i got more freedom, but she would call to check on me every now and then, she still does that. but i have already developed a sense of hatred whenever i see the caller id flash ' Mummy- Incoming'.

When im in my room using the comp, watching videos, playing games, BLOGGING.. she would just enter my room like nobody's business and stand next to me, look at me, look at the comp, for about 30 seconds den say "playing the comp again.." den go out.. it always happens.. it can happen like a few times a night.. i know probably she's looking for someone to chat with, but here's what happens when i talk to her..

XY: (talks to mum about random things a mother and a daughter would talk about)
half the time - Mummy: (no answer.. she's like looking at the tv, not watching the tv and her mind is somewhere else)
the other half of the time- Mummy: (10 secs later).. Eh sorry i wasn't listening, i was thinking of stuff..

How do i communicate with her?!!! IM PISSED OFF. I START HATING HER. im so super upset and i feel that she doesn't love me anymore, especially ever since i keep hanging with CY. And whenever im on the phone with Cy, i always keep my door closed but not locked, 1 out of 3 times she will just enter as and when she likes and interrupt our conversation! sometimes when im having a bad day i'll just start breaking down after she leaves the room. i hate it, i hate to get interrupted for nothing!! i dunno, maybe she wants to have a bit of love that i have for CY, maybe she wants to check on me to see whether im being bullied by him, but i want my privacy! im fucking 22 this year and there are things i dun want my mother to know!

like there was one instance i was having a very bad mood swing day, i just started crying over the phone (i cry very silently btw, even when i sniff my nose i do it quietly) to let out my emotions and THEN SHE ENTERED MY ROOM AND GAVE THE 'WTF HAS CY DONE TO MY DAUGHTER!!' LOOK. this was one thing i surely didn't want to let her know because she'll let her imagination run wild. i had to chase her out of my room.

i know mothers are very protective, but that doesn't equate to being not supportive and discouraging. she's protective, and always splashes cold water on me. my parents dun have a good marriage and so she always tells me to be wary of CY, that he'll change once he's out in the working society and such, and it breaks my heart to hear all those things! C'mon! Im your daughter! Be happy for me! Dun curse me! Support me! Dun say things that will make me doubt my relationship! she thought we broke up when CY hasn't been to my house for some time, she thought we broke up when i cried on the phone while talking to him, she just keeps thinking that we won't last. so how many fucking times u want your daughter to have break ups? i want her support, i want her encouragement, her concern her love and not her doubt! I used to ask for her opinions on things i can't decide on but she just keeps splashing me cold water, so now i really can't find anything to talk to her about already. i dun want to get bombed again and again.

There are still many other issues i have with her but i would not like to disclose it on my blog. what can i say? she's my mother. just like Rapunzel's 'mother' would always sing, 'Mother~~~... Knows Best!'.

I've been keeping my true feelings inside for very long. Im 21 now, should finally let it out somewhere.

Few years ago, something happened, and what i feared the most has become the situation now.

I can't help but feel very disappointed and upset. I knew, something like that was going to happen. You take relationships too seriously, and look where we are now. Everytime i think of you, i think of us when we were in secondary school. I could talk to you, and you would talk to me, we had some fun together and i was still your friend. Then we decided to try to move a step further, but it didn't work out. I dun even know why it didn't work out. There wasn't even a try. It just ended abruptly and i nv asked why. I know you wouldn't tell me the truth about how you feel so i could only try to guess and figure out what's wrong.

But i got over it quickly. I took a step back to where we were as friends. I care for you genuinely, as a friend and i still wished we could still be as happy as we were as friends. But you're still there, still walking in circles in the already long gone relationship. You can't treat me like a friend anymore. I waited. I observed. I hoped. I want us to be friends like normal again. But it's been so long, whatever bonds we had is all into the rubbish bin, transported to the incineration plant and burnt into ashes.

Whatever hopes i had, whatever friendship that i cherish is all nothing but one-sided. All i get is "i feel guilty towards her". Fuck lah nbcb. Why all the guys like to feel guilty towards me? Okay lah, so guilty then give me half of your salary every month from now till you get married lah! as compensation! zzz.. Or go and have another girlfriend who treats you like trash and treat that as retribution. ZZZZZZ!!!! that's exactly what my first bf told me when he and his last gf were together.

But you know what? I dun give a damn. I dun care whether your gf is good or not. You need to change your attitude towards a relationship. And towards me. This is really not what i want at all. Zero. Kosong. Ling dan. I'll tell you what i want.

I truly care for you, as one of my besties. Not only just me, we all care for you. And we really really really wish that we can share your troubles and comfort you when you're down. OPENLY. not trying to guess here guess there behind your back abt what the eff happened to you. I know you dun want to burden us with your problems, but look at us? dun u know us well? what are friends for?

Joanne keep telling me, " You should go talk to him!... You should go and tell him this!!" but you're not telling me anything. So here i am, typing meaninglessly ranting meaninglessly, pretending i dunno anything in front of you. Joanne didn't tell me anything, i guessed whatever i know by myself. So there are still many things that i have no clue about, and i hope that one day we all can know abt what's going on from you.

I know, you dun wan to say. Dun say lor. Keep everything to yourself. You'll find yourself with less and less people to talk to and more and more miserable after that. But that's your choice right? As your friends, we should just be there for you and give you support silently right? I understand. But are we still your friends? Ya, very useless ones.

It drowned. just drowned.

i keep wondering what im doing, i have many doubts, and i feel unhappy. unwanted. unloved. uncared for. taken for granted, not appreciated.

i know, i always have this problem, i always do the same thing and in the end? nothing good comes out from it. did i do anything wrong? it's not wrong, i know it's not wrong. but heaven makes it seem to be wrong. im having the same miserable feelings again. i never thought that i would have those feelings again but i was wrong.

im so tired. so freaking tired. and im so mad. pissed. i dun wan to experience the same pain twice. fuck it. im doing all i can to make this work, but i can clearly see it going down. im damn tired, so weak and vulnerable i swore the thought of giving up flashed through my mind.

im not a quitter, and i hate myself for being weak. and stupid and foolish and naive. i dunno what else to say. there's just too many things going through in my mind right now. maybe i just need to cool down.

I need to destress.

I've cried everytime i talked about it. I think those tears aren't gonna stop rolling down my cheek until someone throws me a life jacket and pulls me out from the BOTTOMLESS PIT and until i see kharma strike back right at them!!

Assholes. I've missed my period because of the never ending stress i get from them. Knn. Zombies must have ate their brains.

I have a lot of wants this year.. and in this world, everything needs money.. Gotta list them down and work hard to achieve them!

My craved wants:
1. Motorola Milestone~ gosh i just like it soooo much im getting it by this weekend i dun care!
2. Lose a lot a lot of fats/weight - 2 months. June. More exact, it's 8th June.
3. Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii~. Price drop by half pls? lolol.
4. A bicycle - not so urgent yet. maybe after June.
5. I want to curl my hair!! must wait til its long long.
6. A flat screen HDtv. mmm. :) (can live without it, it can wait.)
7. Save up money for the future. Gonna join OCBC, DBS queue too long. Start from this month.
8. Get ABRSM Grade 8 theory. RAWR! okay gotta revise really soon if i really want to get Grade 8.
9. MacBook? I still want to become a songwriter. I seriously wonder when?


I still haven buy my bag! :( and i need knee length trousers also.
A lot to work for, i need more money! And i'll be jobless in June, so if anyone has any lobangs please tell me okay? :)

Oh and how can i forget? I want to go on a holiday!

10. Renew the darn expired-4-years-ago passport. (ya 4 years nv go overseas already. sad right.)

Independence coming to 100%.

Can't stop doubting.
Can't stop losing faith.
Can't stop thinking.
Can't stop crying.

Just can't stop feeling miserable.
Can't lose.


Don't doubt.
Don't panic.
Don't lose faith.
Don't be afraid.
Don't cry.

Just let him hug you and believe him when he says he really loves you. He has his own past which you can't erase. You have your own past which he can't erase. The past is past.

Have some confidence and don't think too much.

Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much. Don't think too much.

You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only. You're the best and only.

Come on. You can do better.

me being anti-social, my birthday celebration was only with my best buds. -exceptforstanleyng(*#&@%&!^*(#$&(*&@-

Everything just didn't seem to go my way when i planned for a bigger celebration.. On the day of celebration, the sky had to rain and dampen my spirits.

All in all it was still a good day, i had lots of fun in wild wild wet, but i so regret something that i did, that was to extend my invitation to someone. Someone i wished i'd never ask along. What in the world was i thinking?


My parents didn't celebrate with me. No birthday outing, no birthday song. Not even a cake. They didn't forget my birthday but we didn't celebrate at all. You know how much i want to cry but no tears will come out? Funny thing is, it was my bf's mother and sister who sang me a birthday song and cut a cake with me.


Apart from the lovely friends who celebrated with me, 21 this year, really sucked.